Stef May Blogages

Cry in my heart

January 2, 2010 at 11:38 am (Uncategorized)

I have a song for this year.

So the other day, while on vacation at Koh Chang (Elephant Island), I was enjoying a nice stroll on the beach in the morning. We had to check out in a few hours, so I wanted to soak up the sights, sounds, and feel of being on the island. So I’m walking along and IT hits me. It compels me. I have to go swimming. But I’m wearing normal clothes. Keep in mind, I’m not a big fan of swimming in the ocean. I prefer clear, clean pools where you can actually see what’s in it. So I’m compelled to just get in and swim, just as I am. And I do just that. And it was exhilarating, really.

As I walked into the deep unknown in those dark blue waters, I entered into a … well, a sacred place of prayer. As I swam and treaded water in the unknown, I realized I was expressing a prayer to the Father without words. I want to go deeper into His heart and love than I ever have before. I know there’s so much more I’ve yet to experience, realize, understand about Him. And He’s brought me to a place where all I can do is sit on the beach or walk straight into the deep waters of the unknown. The thing that’s been hardest this first year became evident to me as I swam and prayed in my spirit. I’ve gone through excruciatingly hard times, as have we all, but the thing that makes this past year the hardest is that every other time, I had someone to hold my hand, per se, and walk with me through it. The darkness wasn’t as scary with someone there.

But here… I find myself swimming in the deep unknown treading water. And just like that morning in the ocean, I was the only one treading water. There was no one there but God. Yes, many have encouraged me, and many have prayed me through this past year, but the only One holding my hand and walking me through it is Him. So yes, it’s been the hardest year and hardest experience of my life. And yet, at the same time, it’s both fearful and exhilarating. I don’t want to be sitting on the beach watching others swim into the deep, experiencing new things, seeing new creatures out there. So, as the waters engulfed me, I thought about the arms of the Father who has carried me through this past year, and how that unfailing love will continue. And I begged him, as I treaded water and gasped for air, to carry me deeper into His heart and love this year. My heart cried out for more. More of Him. I’m not content with the shallow waters I’ve been swimming in. I want to go where I’ve never gone. I want to fully rely on Him when I can’t see what’s in the waters swimming around me. I want to trust Him completely. And if He simply asks me to tread the deep waters until I take my last breath, I want His name to be on my lips as I go under. I don’t mean it to sound morbid… but while swimming, I realized that He is worth it, even unto my last breath. Ironically, that same day, I heard Starfield’s song, “Cry in my Heart” for the first time. [you can hear it here]

“Cry In My Heart” (be Starfield)

There’s a cry in my heart
For Your glory to fall
For Your presence to fill up my senses
There’s a yearning again
A thirst for discipline
A hunger for things that are deeper

Could You take me beyond?
Could You carry me through?
If I open my heart?
Could I go there with You?
(For I’ve been here before
But I know there’s still more
Oh, Lord, I need to know You)

For what do I have
If I don’t have You, Jesus?
What in this life
Could mean any more?
You are my rock
You are my glory
You are the lifter
Of my head
Lifter of this head